Let’s take away the influence pain has on a day to day basis for the moment. There have been many days where I just want to sit curled up and not think or feel.
Some days where I even have motivation to get up and accomplish something. Logically I know that I can and should just start moving. It’ll even probably make me feel better. But, simultaneously, that “other” part of your mind shuts the logic down…and it really shouldn’t be able to do that….I mean, it’s logic.
Those of you who have never experienced depression will have a hard time understanding how that severe dichotomy of thought can exist in a person. It may even be incomprehensible. But depression has a way of creating paradoxes; and a brain, a heart, a person living in this state…well, it hurts. It’s like being ripped in half but looking down and seeing that you’re still there. Having it happen over and over. While people on the outside just keep saying things like…”If you know you should do it, than do it.”. And those words, instead of working as the motivation for which they were intended cause you to feel worse. Remind you that you don’t “work right”. Which deepens the sadness and increases how worthless you feel.
Logic, there to tell you if you could just get up, they would believe in you again and see you as a person.
And yet you still lay there, the weight heavier than before.