Right now, I’m just done. I’m so weary. I don’t want to try anymore tonight. But I won’t be blessed with deep uninterrupted sleep I’m sure.
I’m completely awake. Aware of everything; my wildly bucking emotions. The head exploding migraine at the edge of detonating. The pain in every part of my body. The itching on every inch of my skin that makes me want to rip it off. Not having any answers. Everyone just guesses the causes. It could be all, none or a random selection.
I take the medication I hate but tonight it just takes the edge off a few things.
I don’t have anything else I can do. I can try to distract myself with TV only if my migraine holds off….if it hits…I’ll just have to lie in the dark with pain and pray.
It’s all funny because I felt okay until the sun set (tired but not too bad). Then it hit like a freight train. Totally unexpected….the depression was the first car, then the migraine (which, thank God, the medicine worked on, for now) then anxiety. This on top of the “normal” stuff.
I just wish I knew. Knew what all this was. Why my body has to fight for life. I feel the burden I am to my family more acutely now too.
All I wanted was to make a good living so I could support my mom. I tried, I had the well paying job. But my body and mind struggled until I couldn’t keep up.
Now I’m a weight…barely contributing….and I hate it. I want to help her not make her help me. I want out of this hole, this darkness. I want to be a happy, “normal” person.
I don’t know why it’s so bad tonight. I hope it’s a fluke and not a trend.
I pray God please let me sleep and wake to a tomorrow that is better than now…even a little.