At the Edge

I know the fact that my medication issue is making me feel this worse than normal. But tonight I feel the vividness of the fact that my whole family (meaning my Mom, Sister and myself) are so close to the edge of everything falling apart. I can’t even begin to list all the things that have us living in our home this close to that edge already….but tonight I feel the potential to slide and I’m scared.

My Doctor (we have a good cop/bad cop and patient relationship) is ignoring my requests for help with my medication problem, and if I can’t get an answer from him by next week (when I run out and serious withdrawal would kick in before my “earliest” available appointment the week after that) 

I’ll either have to try to pry a referral from this one nurse that hates me and then try to get an appointment with a psychiatrist I’ve seen before (but ruined my life – more on that later) and hope that he’ll just write the script no problem…or I end up in the hospital for withdrawal all because THE STUPID PHARMACY CHANGED THE MANUFACTURER OF MY MEDICINE!!!

I don’t know if any of you have had this problem (I have with other drugs as well) that sometimes one manufacturers generic pill doesn’t work. It’s common enough that pharmacies and doctors know about it, but it’s not an every day occurrence either.
My Mom is “caring” herself to death. She spends literally everything she has (Physical and Mental Energy, Time and Money) on everyone else to the point that her medical concerns won’t be “concerns” much longer. I look on helplessly, beating myself up inside because her life has been so hard and about everyone else for so long, all I’d wanted when I got older and got a good job was to help her, to take the pressure off…Well I did get older and got a good job….but then the pieces fell apart and I couldn’t hold it together anymore…but I can’t help feeling like I should have, somehow. I mean, it’s my Mom.

Then my sister…I haven’t asked her permission to share any personal details, but she’s had more than her fair share of medical issues too and being my older sister by only five years makes that an injustice. Needless to say she has been having a very bad few days too. 

With my Grandma in rehab and my Uncle in the hospital (I’m not super close to them but it impacts my Mom a lot) and the fact that I feel like the three of us are so close to ending up there ourselves…well…

Well God, if we have any more Miracles saved up….now is the time.