Remember when you would wake up, on a Saturday for instance, get right up out of bed and plan your day over your morning coffee and breakfast?
Remember being able to then get dressed in something pretty, look in the mirror and go out (and it was still morning!) and get thru your whole list? Feeling happy, with the music turned up in your car? That satisfaction of taking care of business?
Getting home, unloading the car, making dinner and still feeling fine? Then chilling out reading or watching some TV and going to bed, tired and content in a day gone well?
I had a nice set of reasonable plans for today…(granted they are nothing like the above days). Get up, drink my vitamin C drink (I keep forgetting) and have some food. I even thought, hey I could brew some green tea to mix the vitamin C powder drink unit, that would taste nice and green tea is an anti inflammatory. Then I was going to try to walk on my treadmill for at least 10 minutes. I haven’t been able to for a long time because of the pain and anxiety. My last thing I wanted to try to do (I was realistic, that it might not be possible) was go to TJ Maxx and get some clothes I’ve been needing desperately.
Doesn’t sound too overwhelming. Right? Well, let’s start with the fact that I haven’t been able to sleep almost at all anymore at night. That seems to be when my pain spikes…from around 7pm to 8am. So I’ll sleep in…nope, my cat (I love him dearly) decided that it was time to be awake at 8am. So he comes up and very gently touches my face with his paw until I acknowledge him.
He finally settled down around 10:30am so back to sleep I went. Only to be woken up at 11am by a family member who thought I was awake (just laying down). Then we got in a fight and of course now there won’t be sleep until I can calm down…but now it’s getting later in the day and I need to eat and drink that pesky drink before it gets too late as it has the ability to sometimes give you some energy…so instead of doing any of that, I was inspired to write.
As a sudden pang of loss for plans never accomplished hit me. I remembered those days…the good days of not being in excruciating pain, not having crippling depression and not being overwhelmed by anxiety.