The Blogger Recognition Award

The Blogger Recognition Award comes to me from SpoonieMom of A Spoonie’s Tale. A very special thanks to the wonderful Tracy for nominating me for this award. I am so honored! Also click the link and check out her blog.


The rules of this award are:

  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you.
  2. Write a post and display the award.
  3. Share in your post a brief history of how your blog started.
  4. Give advice to new bloggers.
  5. Nominate other bloggers you feel deserve the award.
  6. Let each blogger know that you have nominated them.

  

In a Galaxay Far, Far Away…

I had wanted to start a blog about my past and continuing journey through life with multiple chronic illnesses as well as mental health challenges. I was finally pummeled with enough signs that Possibility of Being was born. My intention was in part to help myself, by having a forum where I could freely express my frustrations and difficulties of this life and my journey through it…but also to,hopefully, let someone know that they aren’t alone, that the crazy thoughts going through their heads aren’t have been thought too by someone else. I was hoping to create a place where people could share their stories and seek support when they needed it. I know this story is one shared by many, but all our struggles, though we share many similar thoughts and feelings, are unique. My blog, in a short period of time, has already evolved and I know will continue to change. 

My Advice to New Bloggers

I was actually asked for advice quite early on in this journey and created a post on just that topic. If you’re interested in some tech tips as well as advice check out this post: Blogging Tips

And the Nominees Are…

I would like to nominate the following blogs for the Blogger Recognition Award. They are under no obligation to participate. 

Two Rooms Plus Utilities 

Queen Alice

I Am Chronic 

Beauty Beyond Bones

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Poem – The Darkness in the Light

He walked into the room, through the arched and guilded doorway into….. nothing.

It wasn’t dark, but there was no light either. He knew that this was his last stop.This was…it. 

A doorway he hadn’t noticed at the opposite end of the room started to open. He felt his heart quicken and knew, even before the creature stepped through, that he knew it, the creature he had faced so often in his dreams and his nightmares. 

The Creature that stepped through the door and into the room existed wthout definition and had no shape. It just…was. 

His heart was beating so fast he was sure the Creature could hear it as it echoed through the wicked silence.

He whirled and scanned the room for any way to escape…none. No sign of any door, not even the one through which he had entered. 

He uttered a quiet prayer and stepped toward it,

His Destiny, 

His Self. 

He felt overcome with cold. A cold so numbing it became part of him. It froze his skin and crawled inside him, until it clawed its way to his heart. 

Then inexplicably, it changed, it became warm and that warmth spread over him like fire. 

It told him he had made the right choice. 

He was Free.   

   ~ Written by Kahlan222

Side Effects Vs. Blogging


I’ve been in a holding pattern of sleeping with of occasional moments of feeling okay. 

Most of my mental energy has been going to remembering to take my meds, eat and other essential things.

A lot of the time, as I lay here inbetween sleep and not sleep (since I can’t really say I have much “awake” time) I think about how my blog must be suffering. 

For that brief period of time when I was really active. I was loving this whole experience. I miss so much. I want to thank everyone whose been so supportive during this down time. The people I’ve met here are all so amazing. I can’t wait to see how everything evolves as I (hopefully) return somewhat to the land of the living. (Any time soon please 😉)


So thanks for hanging in there all my followers and to any new readers who stumble across my blog, if like my past entries, know that there will be more coming soon! 

I do really want to grow this blog, but as all you Spoonies out there know, we are all to often at the mercy of how much energy we have on any given day. 

I have so much still to share and I can’t wait to share it with all you wonderful people.


I also want to say to my followers. I do read as many posts as I can but don’t always like or comment on them. You’ll probably see a burst of likes on old posts as I’m able to really dig back into this world.

Okay I’ve rambled enough and my head is killing me.

Wishing you all extra energy to do something that makes you happy!

~❤️

Spoonie Jewelry 

A classy and cute way to display your Spoonieness!  (Yes that’s a word 😉)

Also a way to remember to watch that spoon usage just by looking down at your hand.


They have other Spoonie jewelry as well. Just click the picture. I found them completely by accident while wandering around Pinterest. 

Still wobbling along. Wishing you all extra spoons!

~❤️

A Brief Moment of Normal & Some Rambling

Although I am still messing around with my meds…I’m sure this will be going on for quite awhile. I did have about an hour where I felt “normal”. Not too much pain, not depressed and motivated! 

I made a batch of this to die for cookie dough. It’s eggless so you don’t bake it, you eat it as is. It’s supposed to be turned into truffles, but I don’t bother…I just eat a few spoonfuls at a time.

*Click the photo for the recipe*

It felt really amazing to be graced with just that moment. I’m just crossing all my fingers and toes, squeezing my eyes shut and praying that I’ll get another time like that. I’ve been a blob for so long I need to do some things to be a person again…#1 on that list…bath/shower!!! 


I have some kind of skin issue where my dead skin doesn’t seem to flake off the way it’s supposed to normally. It just hangs on. So I have to soak in hot water in a tub, doubly fun when you’re about 6′ tall and the tub is rock hard and totally uncomfortable, and manually exfoliate my entire body. 

Only then can I take a “normal” shower. So it’s basically like taking a bath and a shower every time. I’m sure all you spoonies out there can appreciate how daunting that would be. I dread it. It takes so much out of me. I have to rest between as many stages as possible and then collapse.

That’s all for now. I’m exhausted. But I have cookie dough. That’s worth something 🙂

~❤️

Fetch Wood, Carry Water


It’s a saying my Mom uses. It’s the “survival” level of living… Doing just the necessities needed to live.

That’s what life has been for me (and so far is continuing to be). Time doesn’t really seem to exist. I can’t hold onto it. I’m trying to find a balance with a new medication my Doctor added last week. 

It’s been a blur of side effects, pain  and sleep. I can’t seem to do any normal things…I struggle just to “fetch wood and carry water”. Eating when my stomach starts to naw at me. Getting up to pee when my bladder complains. Shutting off my phones alarm and taking more medicine. Then trying to make sure I write down what I took and reset the timer. 

It’s so blurry I can’t even care enough to feel bad about how useless I am. It doesn’t feel like life,  I’m not sure what it is.

I miss having inspiration to write. I miss my interactions with all of you. I hope and pray that there is a balance somewhere in the future. 

It’s funny, it’s not like I would have said I had a life before, but this…existence…is just so numbing. All my feelings and reasoning abilities are turned down to a white noise in the background of my brain.

I was determined to write something. I know it might sound like gibberish…maybe if I find a balance things might be better on the other side. The new medicine does seem to help my pain. I just have to find a balance and hope the side effects aren’t too bad.

I hope to write again soon.

Love, Healing and Happiness to all of you!

~❤️

Poem – Conversation 



Who are you?

I’m not sure. 

Are you? 

Yes. They all know much more than me. 

Why not listen and try to learn from them? 

I am helpless. 

No, you are not. 

But, I feel helpless. 

Why?

Because, I feel out of control and that I know so little. 

You know much. 

But not as much as them. 

That is not what is important. 

It is to me. 

Then learn. 

…….. .

Why not? 

I said nothing. 
It is what you meant. 

Yes…

Listen. 

Yes? 

Why are you lacking? 

Because I am not all I can be. 

Then work to become all you can be. 

I am trying. 

Then still your worries and trust in Me. 
    – Written by Kahlan222

*For me this was a conversation I saw myself having with God. My struggles to have Faith when I feel so worthless.

Thoughts, Realizations and Expectaions aka Letting Myself and You Down

 
Let me start out by saying that this post, though it may sound otherwise, does not mean in any way that I am stopping my blog! It’s just a review of some things I noticed upon reflection. It will also probably sound like a pity party but that is definitely not my intention. 


I had started this blog with, while not a specific plan, at least an open idea of what I wanted to accomplish. I wanted to share my story, my past and things I was going through now. To share things I had learned about myself and things that still eluded me. I also wanted to dip my toe into sharing my creative side, my poetry and art. I had ideas of adding in other things later if they felt right…product reviews, recipes I really enjoy (baking is a passion of mine).  

It started slow, but I was continuing to be inspired in my writings and soon I was finding myself emotionally energized every time someone liked,commented or followed my blog! It cheered me that this blog, something which I had put off starting for a long time, was going so well. 


Then, like they always do, things started to take a dive here at home. It’s not like it hasn’t happened before. But I my posts started turning into explosions of emotions, a way I have used in the past (though not publicly) to get the thoughts out of my head and relieve some of the pressure. This was okay to, I think. It gives a real picture of how someone with chronic illness, depression and anxiety reacts to situations.

After that, I started forcing myself to write about topics I written down, but was waiting for inspiration to strike before writing.

Still things were going okay, but after a period of time where I just couldn’t post anything, I felt that I lost ground.

During that “down” time I also found it very hard to look for new blogs and read posts, as some of them affected me so profoundly I would get depressed or anxious or both.  


Seeing my stats fall made me sad. This blog, while in the upswing was actually making me feel like I was contributing. Something I haven’t been feeling at all lately, just the opposite in fact. I realized I was afraid that if I didn’t keep up that I would lose my modest following. I also realized that when I write without inspiration it just doesn’t feel right. I need to find my inspiration and find a way to ease my expectations. 

I still have many poems from years of writing and more art to share. My personal writings may be more sporadic, but, God willing, will keep coming steadily. 


I am still finding myself in a very dark place at the moment. Everything is very heavy and hard to do. Life feels impossible right now. But I still think sharing here is what I was led to do, so I’ll continue. I don’t know what form this blog will take. I’m sure it will continue to change and evolve. Whatever it is and whatever it becomes I’m certain it will be what it is meant to be.

– ❤️ to all of you! 

Poem – Unfeeling


Am I falling back down, into the darkness? I don’t know…. it’s not the same, now, as it was then. I have a hold. But it’s fragile. 

I just want to know happiness again. Feel love again. Feel warm again. I feel doomed to always end up here…on the edge. The edge of existence, happiness, life, death, emotions, help and sanity… 


I feel as though all I can do right now is exist, that’s it. Wake up, work, sleep… Try to eat, try to “act” like myself. 

Keep my emotions in check. Always. I must. It is feel everything or try to feel nothing. And, since I do not think I would survive feeling everything, I am left with nothing. But my grasp is so tenuous right now. If I think even to tomorrow, I start to drown. 

It’s like I cannot breathe unless I live right here in this moment. In the next moment I am dead. Only here, now, am I alive. I am Shrodinger’s Cat. But no one has lifted the lid to see my fate. I cower in dread for the lid to be lifted – to see if I will live through the darkness this time. 

If I take more of the medicine that keeps my brain above the tide of death, I will becom an idiot. So then I must choose, intelligence or sanity…why must it always be a choice…why must I always choose which death I want…the knife or poison…? To drown or freeze? Live or Die? I don’t want to live in this darkness any longer…


I said before; that as you will always end up going thru periods of darkness, you must bring the light with you. I feel like I was not prepared for this journey…I did not bring enough light to help me last through this darkness…

I can remember joy…wrapping it like a blanket around my shoulders. But then it was torn away from me and I watched as it burned. Caught fire and was consumed into pile of ash. 


I sat with what was left of my joy as the wind blew even the ash of it from my fingertips. All I felt was the residual warmth of the fire that destroyed it.

And now there is only darkness and cold. I just need the strength to continue existing. Even that I am barely able to do. 

The cold makes you stiff, makes it impossibly hard to move. And you cannot see in the darkness. So I stumble here, my arms outstretched in the darkness of my own making as I slowly freeze. 


Until I will see and feel no more. Then maybe I will find joy in my numbness.  

– Written by Kahlan222 on 11/22/09