Poem – Unfeeling

Am I falling back down, into the darkness? I don’t know…. it’s not the same, now, as it was then. I have a hold. But it’s fragile. 

I just want to know happiness again. Feel love again. Feel warm again. I feel doomed to always end up here…on the edge. The edge of existence, happiness, life, death, emotions, help and sanity… 

I feel as though all I can do right now is exist, that’s it. Wake up, work, sleep… Try to eat, try to “act” like myself. 

Keep my emotions in check. Always. I must. It is feel everything or try to feel nothing. And, since I do not think I would survive feeling everything, I am left with nothing. But my grasp is so tenuous right now. If I think even to tomorrow, I start to drown. 

It’s like I cannot breathe unless I live right here in this moment. In the next moment I am dead. Only here, now, am I alive. I am Shrodinger’s Cat. But no one has lifted the lid to see my fate. I cower in dread for the lid to be lifted – to see if I will live through the darkness this time. 

If I take more of the medicine that keeps my brain above the tide of death, I will becom an idiot. So then I must choose, intelligence or sanity…why must it always be a choice…why must I always choose which death I want…the knife or poison…? To drown or freeze? Live or Die? I don’t want to live in this darkness any longer…

I said before; that as you will always end up going thru periods of darkness, you must bring the light with you. I feel like I was not prepared for this journey…I did not bring enough light to help me last through this darkness…

I can remember joy…wrapping it like a blanket around my shoulders. But then it was torn away from me and I watched as it burned. Caught fire and was consumed into pile of ash. 

I sat with what was left of my joy as the wind blew even the ash of it from my fingertips. All I felt was the residual warmth of the fire that destroyed it.

And now there is only darkness and cold. I just need the strength to continue existing. Even that I am barely able to do. 

The cold makes you stiff, makes it impossibly hard to move. And you cannot see in the darkness. So I stumble here, my arms outstretched in the darkness of my own making as I slowly freeze. 

Until I will see and feel no more. Then maybe I will find joy in my numbness.  

– Written by Kahlan222 on 11/22/09


2 thoughts on “Poem – Unfeeling

  1. ‘Keep my emotions in check. Always. I must. It is feel everything or try to feel nothing. And, since I do not think I would survive feeling everything, I am left with nothing’

    The way you phrased this was excellent! I too, am obsessed with keeping my emotions in check. Even in front of my family/friends. It’s like I can’t comprehend not doing to.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for the comment! It means a lot to me that my writings connect with other people and it confirms in my mind that I made the right decision to share them. I can’t wait for inspiration to strike me again so I can post more regularly. ❤️


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