Let me start out by saying that this post, though it may sound otherwise, does not mean in any way that I am stopping my blog! It’s just a review of some things I noticed upon reflection. It will also probably sound like a pity party but that is definitely not my intention.
I had started this blog with, while not a specific plan, at least an open idea of what I wanted to accomplish. I wanted to share my story, my past and things I was going through now. To share things I had learned about myself and things that still eluded me. I also wanted to dip my toe into sharing my creative side, my poetry and art. I had ideas of adding in other things later if they felt right…product reviews, recipes I really enjoy (baking is a passion of mine).
It started slow, but I was continuing to be inspired in my writings and soon I was finding myself emotionally energized every time someone liked,commented or followed my blog! It cheered me that this blog, something which I had put off starting for a long time, was going so well.
Then, like they always do, things started to take a dive here at home. It’s not like it hasn’t happened before. But I my posts started turning into explosions of emotions, a way I have used in the past (though not publicly) to get the thoughts out of my head and relieve some of the pressure. This was okay to, I think. It gives a real picture of how someone with chronic illness, depression and anxiety reacts to situations.
After that, I started forcing myself to write about topics I written down, but was waiting for inspiration to strike before writing.
Still things were going okay, but after a period of time where I just couldn’t post anything, I felt that I lost ground.
During that “down” time I also found it very hard to look for new blogs and read posts, as some of them affected me so profoundly I would get depressed or anxious or both.
Seeing my stats fall made me sad. This blog, while in the upswing was actually making me feel like I was contributing. Something I haven’t been feeling at all lately, just the opposite in fact. I realized I was afraid that if I didn’t keep up that I would lose my modest following. I also realized that when I write without inspiration it just doesn’t feel right. I need to find my inspiration and find a way to ease my expectations.
I still have many poems from years of writing and more art to share. My personal writings may be more sporadic, but, God willing, will keep coming steadily.
I am still finding myself in a very dark place at the moment. Everything is very heavy and hard to do. Life feels impossible right now. But I still think sharing here is what I was led to do, so I’ll continue. I don’t know what form this blog will take. I’m sure it will continue to change and evolve. Whatever it is and whatever it becomes I’m certain it will be what it is meant to be.
– ❤️ to all of you!