What did you see?
I sit and stare fixedly out a window, an ordinary, unremarkable window and I see people moving boxes. Carrying these boxes full of “stuff”, out onto the curb.
As stare at this sight, the view through the window changes…instead of just the unmarked brown boxes I see them taking out the things I cherished as a child, stuffed animals I cuddled with in bed at night, books I had read and loved, toys that had been played with on the floor of my room.
I stand looking…frozen and I feel a tear roll down my cheek. But, when I lick my lips I don’t taste the salty tear I had felt. My hands reach for my face and I can feel no wetness.
It was then I realized, looking out at my life, that I have forgotten how to cry. My tears left with all those “things” being taken out to the curb.
I stand and look, unable to move or tear my eyes away from the scenes before me.
Then a darkness falls across my view and as the image before me returns so do the people carrying their boxes, my boxes.
I’m finally able to turn away. Unable now to keep my eyes on the scene below. Now, with the window gone from view I think, “The past is the past”. But deep inside my heart the window to my memories remains open.
But outside, in the world, the past is the past and the window is closed.
– Written by Kahlan222 (around 8th grade)
*A note from Me: I thought I’d give this a try to see if we could all gain some exposure and spread the word about our blogs!
Ok so here are the rules:
Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post.
Reblog this post. It helps you, it helps me, it helps everyone!
Edit your reblog post and add tags.
Feel free to leave your link multiple times! It is okay to update your link for more exposure every day if you want. It is up to you!
Share this post on social media. Many of my non-blogger friends love that I put the Meet n Greet on Facebook and Twitter because they find new blogs to follow.
Now that all the rules have been clearly explained get out there and Meet and Greet your tails off!
It feels like a never ending cycle…hope, disappointment, frustration, giving up…repeat.
I’m at the giving up stage…I feel like I literally hit the wall. I’m getting threats from my doctor about my pain medication…that I have to cut back, whatever the cost. Yes, I have real pain…but apparently pain management isn’t a priority. In fact it’s to the point where quality of life doesn’t seem to be on the list either.
Between the increase in fatigue and depression and the debilitating migraines that just started back up I’m basically a ball of goo. If I’m not sleeping I’m trying not to move and to whatever I can to manage the migraines and if I’m not doing that I don’t really care enough to do anything else.
Oh and then there’s the weight gain…add the above together and you get a body with no ability to metabolize that’s also puffed up from medication side effects. My hair is so thin it could blow away in the wind. I’m really not vain and I’m not trying to sound prideful…but I was dam pretty. Tall, a decent weight, nice hair. I thought about being a model when I was younger.
Now, I hate my body. Every part…and I’m gaining weight with such speed that nothing I own fits. I buy bigger clothes and then even bigger ones. I’m not looking to be some stick thin picture of perfection…I never even wear makeup except for special occasions…but I miss being able to look in the mirror and be okay with what I saw.
I have no idea how to make my doctor happy and somehow find a way to be even a quarter of a person.
The way life is now is no life. I’m miserable and in pain in every way you can imagine. I know the increase in depression side effect is driving a lot of this but that doesn’t even make a difference because I am feeling it. I don’t want life is this is what it is.
This post of course contains topics I had meant for later posts…ah well…we’ll flow with the winds.
We are in a constant dance of benefit verses potential and realized side effects.
The main reason I’ve been so absent from my blog is because of this stupid dance.
As most of you are probably aware there is a major battle going on to reduce or even eliminate the use of opioid medications.
My Doctor chose an opiate to treat my pain very early on in my treatment. I am not big on taking pills (in a previous post I talked about how hard it was for me to even start taking my antidepressant when I was a teen), I’ve never been drunk, never tried pot or smoked cigarettes…yes, you heard that right…and it wasn’t just religion that kept me away…I just was never interested, it never appealed to me. However, I was in a lot of pain and I trust my doctor…
Fast forward to today and all opiates are the enemy. I’ve never abused my medication. I don’t feel “high” while on it. Yet, it’s now the enemy.
We all know it can never be that simple. The biggest problem side effects I’m experiencing are extreme fatigue (which I had to begin with) and depression (which I also have all on my own).
It’s to the point where I spend the majority of my time sleeping. My doc doesn’t really seem to care about the side effects since I have been able to cut back on my other pain meds.
I’m a blob without any life or desire to live one because of the side effects…but hey my doctor is counting it as progress!
One thing I want to mention…I want to be off the pain meds…if I could be on this new med without the side effects I would be thrilled! Hell, I want off all the medications I’m on. I hate it. But, I realize that for now, I need them to retain as much function as possible. I just wish quality of life was more important to the medical community than rules and statistics.
On a side note…I’m finding it really aggravating to type long posts on my phone. (Which is all I have been using so far). My laptop got a nasty virus awhile ago and I need to clear that sucker off so I can use it again.
So, to sum it up, I’m making the laptop a priority…but things may be sporadic until I can, hopefully, find a way to overcome these side effects so I’m able to have some kind of life.
Love and Spoons to all of you!
It rained yesterday, but I didn’t get wet
It should snow tomorrow, but I won’t be cold
My heart was broken today and all I feel is the Pain
Sun, please shine down on me like light from heaven, light my way
Rain, pour down on me like baptismal water, cleanse me
Snow, fall down on me like the tears of Angels, Sweet Angels cry for me
Please heal my heart that I can feel once again
The Sun was shinning today and I pray it will again tomorrow
– Written by Kahlan222