I Have No Idea aka I’ve Hit The Wall

So, what do you do when you’ve hit the wall…again?

It feels like a never ending cycle…hope, disappointment, frustration, giving up…repeat.

I’m at the giving up stage…I feel like I literally hit the wall. I’m getting threats from my doctor about my pain medication…that I have to cut back, whatever the cost. Yes, I have real pain…but apparently pain management isn’t a priority. In fact it’s to the point where quality of life doesn’t seem to be on the list either.

Between the increase in fatigue and depression and the debilitating migraines that just started back up I’m basically a ball of goo. If I’m not sleeping I’m trying not to move and to whatever I can to manage the migraines and if I’m not doing that I don’t really care enough to do anything else.

Oh and then there’s the weight gain…add the above together and you get a body with no ability to metabolize that’s also puffed up from medication side effects. My hair is so thin it could blow away in the wind. I’m really not vain and I’m not trying to sound prideful…but I was dam pretty. Tall, a decent weight, nice hair. I thought about being a model when I was younger.

Now, I hate my body. Every part…and I’m gaining weight with such speed that nothing I own fits. I buy bigger clothes and then even bigger ones. I’m not looking to be some stick thin picture of perfection…I never even wear makeup except for special occasions…but I miss being able to look in the mirror and be okay with what I saw.

I have no idea how to make my doctor happy and somehow find a way to be even a quarter of a person.

The way life is now is no life. I’m miserable and in pain in every way you can imagine. I know the increase in depression side effect is driving a lot of this but that doesn’t even make a difference because I am feeling it. I don’t want life is this is what it is.

This post of course contains topics I had meant for later posts…ah well…we’ll flow with the winds.

I’m Done.